When I broke down in tears, it was obvious I had reached a limit that I hadn’t realized I had. I couldn’t fake it or pretend it was fine. It all came to a head as I watched the crisis unfold in the Capitol at the same time as I was watching the crisis unfold with this new coronavirus spike. I just got so upset hearing people react with, “I had no idea this was possible.”
My producer and I have been doing stories on the far right and these conspiracies for years, and it felt like nobody listened. I had this moment of feeling like, I guess none of what I put out there was heard. And that was problematic for me because I knew it was going to be bad. I used to cover ISIS and al Qaeda, and I reported on how those groups radicalized people. What we are seeing now is a similar radicalization. So I knew this would be a dangerous period. And at the same time, I had no idea how bad coronavirus was going to be at this moment. The combination put me over the edge. It was just like a fissure and an explosion and rage at what we’re doing to each other in this country, from coronavirus and not wearing masks to the insurrection and killing police officers.
Right after I cried on live television, I cussed. And I’m so glad it wasn’t on the air. The wonderful executive producer Javier Morgado said in my ear, “Don’t worry. That was good. I know you’re upset, but that was good.”
He was right that I was upset. At first I felt ashamed, but I realized later that what I had actually been feeling was rage. Those things—the pandemic, the riot—made me feel rageful, and it just came out in a flood of tears. It was probably 80% rage and 20% sorrow, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I was so furious in the moment that I’d broken down. I’d been taught as a woman in this business, which used to be so male-dominated, to be hard-scrabble. You don’t want to be talking about bunnies and ponies and cooking segments. You want the real, hardcore news. So you can’t get emotional. I was told, coming up, “Never let them see you cry.” And I almost never had. So it just shocked me that I couldn’t keep it together.
Within minutes my phone blew up. My social media blew up. At one point I turned everything off, put my phone down, and cried some more. It was emails and calls and texts and there were people from high school calling me asking if I was okay and people who I talk to more regularly too, of course. The outpouring was almost embarrassing to me—there was just so much kindness. But I tried to just accept it. This was a moment to remind me that I am not a robot. I am a fully functioning human being, and I am deeply terrified about what is going on in this country.
