For men outside of a relationship, porn can create a false perception of what women like in bed, or what's realistic. "They might have a totally skewed idea of what's hot to women," says Madison.
For example, the women I spoke with for this piece, all between the ages of 28 and 34, agreed unanimously that the screaming orgasms guys see on-screen are a performance—but men don't always realize that. "It's not like I'm totally silent, but I'm not yelling, YES, OH YEAH, YES," says Lauren, 31. "I live in an apartment. I have neighbors I have to see in the hall. No, thank you."
No, We Don't Like That
Nicole, 29, agrees that porn can create weird expectations for the men who watch it—and also puts pressure on their partners to live up to what they're seeing other women do. "This one guy I dated, we didn't have sex, but he was like, 'You're going to love it, hold your boobs together, and I'll slide between them'" she says. "He kept saying, 'It feels so good, doesn't it?' and I was thinking, No it doesn't. It's really awkward. I'm getting hit in the chin with your dick." Nicole says she's kinkier than most of her friends to her knowledge, but, "I don't like having bad sex, and I feel like guys who watch a lot of porn, they think that women orgasm really quickly and in all these different ways. A lot of guys don't understand how difficult it is to make a woman orgasm through sex."
Beth, 32, says a former fling asked her to put on lipstick before oral sex, and when she asked him why, "He admitted he had seen it in some porn video and thought it was really hot. I tried not to be disgusted with him, and maybe I shouldn't have been. But the fact that I wasn't into it to begin with, and then to find out where he got the idea, it was a turn-off."
Of course, not all women are closed off to porn—and there are websites that cater to a female audience with films that are more sensual, less violent, and focus on the woman's experience. Some couples even watch together.
I asked my married friend Stephen, 31, to explain his relationship with porn, and he summed it up like this: "It's not like I feel great after watching [porn]. But I don't feel that bad about it either. I'm not paying for it. I'm not addicted to it. Usually I'm just watching it because [my wife] didn't feel like having sex and I don't want to bug her, or I'm home and bored and it's like, Why not? But if someone took it away and the situation was, OK, no more porn ever again, it wouldn't change my life. It's just that it's there, it's right on my iPhone."
The Backlash Is Growing
In her experience helping couples, Madison says that she's still seeing a lot of women taking issue with their partner's porn use. "I think a lot of women do tend to be bothered by any level of porn use by someone they are involved with," she says. "My guess of where a lot of the discomfort comes from is, 'I don't want him to watch a sex act with another woman.'... When you are watching porn though, it's the act of sex that's arousing, it's not that particular woman seducing him." In other words, there's not a whole lot of emotion involved—which is both a relief and part of the problem. Says Madison: "When you separate emotions from sex, it's not good for anyone. It's not good in forming relationships, and it's not good when you're in a relationship."
