When I heard news of Max quietly adding the popular U.K. dating show Naked Attraction to its seemingly endless streaming library, of course I was intrigued. The premise: men and women looking for love cut to the chase and get a gander at the goods before ever meeting face to face.
As a red-blooded, limp-wristed man raised in the dickless days of prestige television, when women's naked bodies were offered up like minor plot points (and disposed of just as easily), I still greet any opportunity for the ever-elusive full-frontal male nudity with schoolgirlish fascination for just how rare — or distractingly large — it is.
I still recall, fondly, the Great Euphoria Schlongfest of 2019 when the controversial teen drama crammed some 30 dicks in all their flip-flop-flippy-flip-flop glory into one locker room scene. Groundbreaking.
So I tuned into Naked Attraction with a pursed lip and an open mind, expecting just another dating show with a gimmicky twist. And boy was I right! As an entry point, I picked — because at 10 seasons, I imagined anywhere was fine — the fourth episode of the third season. To my relief: Gays!
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/Naked-Attraction-092723-364ece72e97c47bb974e90956c7cb568.jpg)
Richard, a 27-year-old from Darlington, is a singer in a Take That tribute band, the mega-popular '90s British pop group that never hit in America but still launched Robbie Williams to solo stardom. Because of his esteemed profession, Richard has to beat the ladies off with a stick, but the only problem is he'd rather be beating off a dude.
Richard is then introduced to his prospective dates, peen-first. Six naked men standing in colored cubes like it's about to be morphin' time are revealed from the waist down and Richard has to decide whom he wants to date.
As the camera panned over to each dick, I found myself getting really...bored. Bored! Of free penis! Is this what the world has come to? Is this what streaming hath wrought? Are we not entertaint-ed?!
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/naked-attraction09272377-9004725c9ce240f3ad6629ae4a5d7976.jpg)
I turned Naked Attraction off after a few minutes.
If you've seen one dick you've seen 'em all. And I've seen 'em all. Literally, any queer person who's ever opened Grindr has been bombarded with dick pics, solicited and not. I've seen dicks from every angle, close-up, panoramic, black and white, sepia-toned, artistically rendered, hastily produced, flattering, unflattering, cut and uncut. Nearly all have one thing in common: Not pretty to look at.
At least not flaccid. A flaccid penis just looks sad and defeated, like it's given up and wants to be left alone. But it's wholly unacceptable and just plain rude to show up with an erect penis without at least consulting someone first.
Now, I know I may be in the minority of gay men in my aversion to penises — my people tend to be really big fans — but I see so many in my everyday life that they don't appeal to me as a novelty or a gimmick anymore. They're strictly utilitarian at this point.
Thanks to dating apps (and social media), it's fairly common for a guy to show me his genitals and tell me about his life before I even see his face or know his name. Now with Naked Attraction, the straights can experience that, too, because, of course, the gays can't have anything to themselves.
Sign up for Entertainment Weekly's free daily newsletter to get breaking TV news, exclusive first looks, recaps, reviews, interviews with your favorite stars, and more.
Related content:
- Watch Nathan Lane sing about his 'Gay Old Life' in Dicks: The Musical — and meet his pets, the Sewer Boys
- Bowen Yang did an entire film festival Q&A while holding giant inflatable penis
- Megan Thee Stallion commands 'suck my f---ing dick' in comically obscene, NSFW Dicks: The Musical trailer
- Riz Ahmed saying My Year of Dicks at the Oscar nominations is pure gold
- Inside that deranged Termite scene in The Boys season 3 premiere: 'We were literally blown away'
