In terms of daily styling, I did a lot of “Here are two braids, I’m exhausted” because I can barely manage my own blowouts, let alone blowouts with waist-length hair. I had my friend give me one, and it seriously took hours. I did get a lot of compliments, though. I'd always respond with, “Oh, it’s fake as hell,” which I don’t think you’re supposed to do. The correct response is probably, “Thanks! I’ve just been eating a lot of kale which has folic acid which makes your hair grow!"
All in all, I landed where I knew I would on the issue: I love ridiculously long hair so much. I feel weirdly protected by it, kind of like a long, strange security blanket that I have to put in a braid at night and brush all the time otherwise it gets tangled. I’m sure the protection aspect comes from this idea that we’re all supposed to be long-haired princesses, draped in our own boob-covering mermaid hair, which is, of course, bullshit because you can be a princess who is bald and gorgeous. (Or one with short hair, as Clare Bowen, a.k.a. Scarlett, reminded us all when she cut hers.) But since I’ve been obsessed with witch-goddess hair for so long, finally having it has felt comforting—and I'm not ashamed to say it.
Sorry, real hair, but I have seen a better (albeit wildly more expensive and difficult to even begin to justify) life. Hair extensions for life. I now need my hair to wrap around me like a quilt or I’m not interested.
Katie Friedman
Lane Moore is a writer, comedian, actor, and musician. She is the creator of the hit live comedy show Tinder Live, which is currently touring colleges and comedy venues nationwide. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
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