In the moment, you know you're making the correct decision by focusing on what's pertinent and not superfluous, but that doesn't make the pain feel any less tragic than when you post a funny Facebook status and notice there's a typo only after you've gotten a bunch of "likes" on it.
5) The "Oooh, I Thought My Best Friend Ignored My Text Message, but It Turns Out That Text Was Straight-Up Chilling in My Drafts Folder Because I Never Pressed Send and Now I Feel Bad for Cursing Her Out in My Head"
is strictly reserved for when you make an oopsies. Preferably, the mistake is bigger than pocket dialing your boss, yet smaller than accidentally leaving your infant niece in your hot car because you wanted to go shopping at H&M real quick when you should've been babysitting. For reals, if you make a mistake that big then a LQ ain't gonna save ya. You better pray to Oprah that she will send you some guidance that she keeps tucked away in her cardigans.
6) Look, we've all been there. We're making out with a dude, a Sade song is playing in the background, and everything is going well until you have that "Lawd, I'm About to Hook Up With This Hot Piece and I Can't Remember If I'm Rocking Nature's Long Johns A.K.A. Hairy Legs" moment:
Don't be embarrassed! Just excuse yourself to the bathroom. Check out the leg sitch, and if it's a Code I Need a Bic Razor, then politely end the evening with the guy with a simple
7) Lots of times in life, you're going to feel like a contestant during a group challenge on Top Chef ,a.k.a. you're going to be outnumbered in the decision-making process on something, and that's when you have to employ the "Who the Hell Are You to Round Everyone Up to Leave Because It's 2 A.M. and You're Sick of Doing Karaoke?":
Point is you accept defeat, drunk-call your sister, and tell her the reason everyone wanted to go home is they're jealous that you sound like Adele and Beyonce combined. But please note that even though your sis sounds supportive, she actually has you on speakerphone and she and her hubby are doing this in reaction to you saying that foolishness:
8) The "My Boyfriend and I Don't Get Paid Until the Weekend, So After Eating Dinner, He Tells the Waiter to Take the Dessert Menu Away From Our Table":
This lip quiver is generally used when the pain you're feeling is self-inflicted. Like, if I hadn't wasted my money on buying fancy stationery that I never use because I just email people, then mah boo and I probably could've afforded to order raspberry truffle cheesecake slices. Instead, I'm leaning over the dessert case, breathing heavy on the glass, and then dragging my hand across the foggy window like Rose and Jack did in Titanic.
What's your lip quiver quotient? Do you agree that Kerry has dethroned Claire Danes as the queen of dramatic facial expressions?
Finally, don't miss a single moment of tonight's new episode of Scandal by tuning in to ABC at 10 P.M. ET/PT.
Photo: ABC
