The Pretty Little Liars season 7B finale premiered tonight, and it was both mind-boggling and boring as hell. So let's just dive into the nonsense, shall we? (Spoilers ahead, obviously.)
Spencer is at the E.R. and losing a lot of blood. The paramedic asks Spencer who her mother is in order to keep her lucid, which is actually pretty hilarious because we don't know the answer to that question. (Is it Mary Drake or the Mariska Hargitay clone we thought was Spencer's mother for seven years? Who the hell knows at this point? Maybe Mona is her mother.) Aria, Hanna, Emily, and Alison casually walk into the hospital and obsess over A.D. theories instead of, you know, their friend who just got shot. Can these girls focus on a real issue for five seconds?
"Toby and Yvonne were in a car crash. Do you want a glass of wine?" —Spencer
We learn that Toby emerges from his car accident relatively unscathed, but Yvonne is in a medically induced coma. Spencer is alive and back to sleuthing because gun wounds heal like paper cuts in Rosewood. Ezra returns from Colombia and convinces Aria to stay at his apartment even though we don't know if he's back with Nicole. (Remember that we found out Nicole was alive in the season 7A finale. She is currently at a recovery facility in New York.) Hanna and Caleb have an argument about what they should do with their day. (He wants to bang; she wants to find Jenna. They honestly should just take a nap.)
"I think the Grunwald is starting to rub off on me.” —Hanna, possibly admitting to being a witch
Emily and Paige have both been hired by Rosewood High, further confirming the school’s ridiculously flawed HR department. Paige and Alison—who also, don’t forget, work at Rosewood—sign up for some committee together, which Emily thinks is a bad idea. (It is.) Emily keeps trying to help Alison deal with her pregnancy, but Ali is being cold and detached as per usual. (I’m sorry, but I don't ship Emison.)
The girls get a creepy package from A.D. that says, "It's playtime," which proves that Noel and Jenna aren’t A.D. and that someone else is still screwing with the liars. Inside the box is a weird mini model of Rosewood and a phone that says, "#Endgame, bitches." Alison wants to turn the model over to the police, which is a great idea, so of course the liars shut it down.
Meanwhile, Hanna tells Aria to plan her wedding to Ezra even though we don’t know if they’re still a couple. On one of their wedding planning expeditions, they randomly run into Holden, Aria’s former flame who now is apparently back in this story. He’s a chef. I don’t care.
"Do you trust me?” —Mona
“Sometimes." —Hanna
Hanna wants to jump-start her design career, so Mona finds a famous senator’s daughter to wear one of her dresses in public. However, this kind gesture is lost on Hanna because the senator's daughter thinks Mona is her boss.
