For Lynn, 31, second-date sex led to a third date (and then some). Soon she was falling hard for the guy, but it turned out he wasn't exactly on the same page. When he moved to Texas with barely a goodbye, a confused Lynn wondered, What about us? and felt jilted. "It was as if the last few months were one big misunderstanding," she says. "To him, our relationship was the dumpable kind; for me it was a keeper."
Atwood says it's a pattern she sees with many couples. When we rush into bed, she observes, the chances are greater that we find ourselves wanting the man either more, or less, than he wants us. In either case, we're off balance instead of being in that relationship comfort zone where both parties desire each other in roughly the same way and to the same degree. The longer you wait, Atwood says, the clearer your sense of where you stand with him is, which helps you decide what you want to do next. Hey, maybe you'll go for the sex anyway, but you'll both know better what lopsided thing you could be getting into.
Because Sex Right Away Can Make You Feel Empowered—But It Can Also Make You a Needy Mess
Catherine, 29, typically thinks long and hard about a guy's husband-material quotient before sleeping with him. But a few months after splitting with her boyfriend of three years, she decided to take a break from serious relationships. "I met a man, he was hot and I went for it," she says. And though she didn't start off with lofty expectations, once they had sex, she suddenly wanted more: "I didn't even like him that much, but I wanted him to like me that much."
True sexual empowerment, Levkoff believes, "is about knowing who you are and knowing what you need to be fulfilled emotionally and physically." And sometimes, for some women, that may mean making the tough decision to say, "I need to be intimate before I have sex."
If, after reading this, you're all, "Uh-oh, we've already gotten it on too early! Have I flubbed any chance for a long-lasting connection?" Nina Atwood has excellent do-over advice to chart a less sexually charged course: The next time he calls and wants to get together, suggest going out to dinner or for coffee—someplace where clothes must stay on. Start by telling him you're very interested in him and you want to see where this can go, but you made the mistake of having sex too soon.
"Open up a dialogue, saying something like, You won't hurt my feelings if you don't feel the same, but I want to see if we have couple potential,'" Atwood advises. "You don't have to stop sleeping with him, but you need to find out where you stand." For anyone who thinks this script seems heavy for morning-after chitchat, Atwood offers a sobering response: "I find it ironic that people would rather have sex than discuss the ramifications of it."
"Delay gratification" and "Stop, think, choose, think again"—the expert advice suggests this bottom line: Wait. Not forever. Perhaps just one date or even one minute more, until you're sure this guy and this situation make sense for you. Because sometimes knowing what you want feels as good as sex—maybe even better.
Penny Wrenn is a freelance journalist living in New York City.
